Before becoming a mom I never thought:
- I’d allow MY children to wear a saggy diaper.
- I’d yell at the sweet and innocent fruit of my loin.
- I’d wear socks with flip flops, but only in emergencies…
- I’d wonder if I had birthed the spawn of the devil.
***The “threes” are the worst. Watch. Your. Back. Mark my words.***
- I’d yell say things like, “No Cocoa Puffs until you finish your donut!”
- I’d need to turn the music DOWN.
- I’d consider dried (but wiped-up) spit-up on my shoulder a sign of “arrival”… importance.
- I’d kiss their heads SO! MUCH! *swoon*
Nor did I ever think…
- I’d really, truly… NEED a drink. A strong drink. A double strong drink.
- I’d have 3. I have 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, THREE children. 3!!!
- About the fact that little people needed to be taught HOW to make pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty.
- About how many times I would have to CLEAN-UP pee-pee and poo-poo which did not make it into the aforementioned potty.
- I’d talk about pee-pee and poo-poo So. Dern. Much!
- About the fact that they are not babies/toddlers FOREVER, and one day my oldest son would ask if he could wear deoderant and I would have to smell every brand in the deoderant aisle to make sure I wouldn’t be sending my 9 year-old son to school with sexy smelling armpits.
And I NEVER thought…
- It would be an option to let my children wear unmatching shoes because despite owning a Payless store’s worth of shoes… there are days we can only find One. Of. Each. *eyes rolling and heavy sigh of exasperation*
And I never, NEVER thought that in a situation as described above I would…
- Feel genuinely relieved, even HAPPY… that among a sea of right-footed tennies & flip-flops, we find the left-foot of a snow boot!
Maybe I should have titled this “Aim Low”.
I have arrived people. I am a desperate broken defeated new woman. I think I have finally let go of the last remnant of maternal pride and dignity! Yay Me! In celebration of this victory I want to give something to all the new parents out there… words of wisdom from Yours Truly:
Let go of your ideals. Either let them go, or they will be torn from your bloody, desperate parental grip. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You are dealing with independent, relentless, unbending, adorable wills. Certain things are worth the battle –like teaching them to NOT run into oncoming traffic… or not to bite your face– but matching shoes… clean shirts… eating spaghetti like piggies… wearing diapers weighing less than 10 pounds… It’s amazing how much the “small stuff” can add up and ruin life for you and the little people.Go ahead… “Lilly” doesn’t HAVE to wear the matching princess jammie set to bed. The bottoms with big brother’s Hulk t-shirt will work just fine! Nor will it hurt “Tommy” to wear his Superman jammies to preschool for 6 weeks straight. I know this for a fact… I lived it back in ‘03, and look how well adjusted this mommy turned out :) You know what else? It didn’t hurt anyone when that same boy wore his Superman jammies for our Easter festivities that year. No little tie… no cute slacks… no tantrums either — Mother nor son. See how easy it is!
********************
Keep up-to-date on the insane, the insightful, and the whatever…
OMG. OK. Tears were a rollin’. You nailed it sister.
I was laughing so hard- not at you…totally and utterly with you!
Thank you. Us defeated Mamas need a good laugh:)
I’m not ready. My baby Bubba Dude wants to go riding off into the neighborhood alone, wants his own website, wants his own 8 megapixel digital camera and wants to be left home alone for extended periods of time. I’m not ready.
Oh - I so remember those PJs and I’ll admit - I wondered WHY YOU LET HIM where them all the time! Oh girl. Now I know. NOW I KNOW!!! I’m telling you, I was the perfect mom - the best - perfection…until I had a kid. Then it all went downhill from there.
can i add an amendment to one?
‘I’d really, truly… NEED a drink. A strong drink. A double strong drink.’
… at like 8 in the morning when all they have been doing is acting like ‘the little perfect angels they are’.
Love, love, love this list!
Your superman kid reminds me of my Spiderman kid. What a memory!
Amen! What a great list. My light bulb moment came when I realized that there isn’t a mother alive (well, maybe one or two judgmental ones) that looks at a mismatched 3yo and thinks you had any part in dressing them. What a relief!
Also, I didn’t know that underwear was optional until after the birth of my two girls. I think M was 9yo before she consistently wore underwear or socks.
LMAO. As usual, you hit the nail on the head. I never thought I’d wish I had been sterilized at 18. But there are days…
The Cruise Director about had a meltdown when he couldn’t find any socks. When I suggested that he raid his brother’s sock drawer, he looked confused, then mutinous, then mischievous. Sometimes yo gotta think outside the box.
For us, year four (for each child) has been the most challenging. Makes me glad they didn’t all turn four at once.
OK, so I’m not a mom, yet. But I did raise my twin sisters their first six years of life and I can tell you that I gave in at about year four. No more “matching outfits” picked out by my mom. Snow white and Jasmine could always be found in the backseat of my car singing along to whatever Disney soundtrack was playing (for the hundredth time). AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. True, I would have loved to throw the Lizzy McGuire CD out the window but one look through the rear view mirror made me change my mind every time.
BTW, J looks so cute in his costume. Deodorant!?!? Ooh my…
Oh yeah. You never know your limits until you become a mom. You never know the depth of true love until you become a mom. It’s the hardest. It’s the greatest. It’s the saddest. It’s the best.
Head’s up on the D.O for the B.O. Try a Toms’ of Maine or Crystal brand. They do not contain aluminum. Aluminum is a cause of many things that go wrong. It enters your skin through D.O. and gets stuck in your tissues-even the brain. This is why for mammograms they tell you not to wear D.O. for a week prior. The aluminum shows up. Also alzheimers and aluminum have a link now…you check more out on the internet…
Yes - the Terrible Two’s have NOTHING on the Terrorist Three’s! Thank God we’re past that! Now I have a grown-up, a teenager and a pre-teen with sexy-smelling armpits, OMG. And the ALL go pee pee and poo poo in the potty! I have done my job well!!!!