Kerry On the Spot

on January 4, 2009

in Bloggy Bloggy, Delusions of Grandeur, Facebook, General, Kerry Jen-Jen, Lucy, My alter-ego, Twitter, Vlogging and Wasting Time

. 13 Comments

Do nudists wear shoes? More from my searchers.

I have no idea if nudists wear shoes. I do know I am a huge fan of clothing…I think it’s amazing how much better a body can look with clothes, than without. It’s true. But I am not going to focus on my physical imperfections. It wouldn’t be a long enough post anyway…. Pffft. Instead, Once again I bring to you… the things people search for online that bring them to Me!

Want to see some more? My opinion or helpful advice is written in italics…

Advice to parents about preschoolers - Pretend you are going to be riding the awesomest, most incredible, but scariest, drooliest roller coaster man has ever made… Buckle up and hunker down. You’re gonna love it, but it’s gonna make you sick and scream really loud.

How to deal with babys witching hour - Find religion. And fast.

Adult pants pooping psychosis - *blinking* Continue reading ‘Do nudists wear shoes? More from my searchers.’

Published

on January 3, 2009

in Bloggy Bloggy, Delusions of Grandeur, Fa' Real?, General, Mutha' Hood, Not So Much and Ridiculous

. 7 Comments

Happy New Year, friends!

I can’t help it. I should give myself an out… take a day off, but after writing every day for a year, it sure is a hard habit to break!

Besides, I gotta tell ya something(s)!

The first thing – my first post at Type-A Mom is UP, like a hot air balloon on a perfect day! Would you like to read it? O.K. You will find the post here. If you want, you can leave a comment there. It would make me feel all gushy… cuz, we bloggers all know that we do it for the comments *blush*.

Also. I committed a crime of omission. I never told you about my New Years resolution for 2009… It was to get 30 40 80 100 or more comments on my last post of 2008. So, since that goal has not been met, I will link to that post — right here. And I will wait. I will wait for those who partied too hard yesterday and did not make it here to comment. I will wait for the lurkers to gain the courage to speak.

It’s O.K., my timid ones… you can do it. I won’t bite. Really. I have a heart of gold and my belly is full of Oreos (a.k.a.”Gloreos”) because I ate a lot of them last night. I also ate a lot of chicken buffalo dip. I should give you the recipe. If you are not in love with me yet… that recipe would seal the deal… we’re talkin’ shredded chicken, hot sauce, cream cheese, blue cheese, ranch dressing and cheddar cheese. Baked. Not healthy, I know, but “healthy” won’t make you love me… “cheesey goodness” is where true love dwells… Obviously, this girl knows how to ring in a new year…

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on January 1, 2009

in Awesome, Delusions of Grandeur, Eats, General and Type-A Mom

. 15 Comments

My 1000th Post, that’s right.

Dear Friends, family, lurkers… My Public,

I want to thank your for your comments. Your hits, your visits, your searches, your never-ending devotion. I adore you. I love you. I. Need. You. I could never have made it to my 1000th post without YOU. It has taken nearly 5 years to make it to this milestone, and I want you to know… I know. But I wonder, do you? Know? Do you really know Me? I wonder… after nearly five long years of run-ons, tangents, dangling participles, comma-obsessiveness, the abuse of exclamation points, and a myriad of other grammatical atrocities… if somewhere along the way we’ve missed what this blog is all about….

M to the E.

…And if you don’t know me by now… a special multimedia presentation - from ME to YOU:

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 26, 2008

in 365, Awesome, Bloggy Bloggy, Delusions of Grandeur, General, Ridiculous and Wasting Time

. 11 Comments

My Newest Vlog - Baking Cookies for a Cookie Exchange

I don’t know why I do this. I ac’ a fool and capture it on video. Then I post it on the whole world of wide internets.It’s on the long side (6 minutes and 44 seconds), and I hate monopolizing so much of your time.

Here, *hands you a virtual eggnog latte that she made, and sprinkled with a dash of nutmeg*. You know what, friends, when I make it into the Sundance Film Festival and receive all kinds of critical acclaim *she also has issues with reality and perception*, you can say,

Hey! I KNOW her! We’re BFF’s! She made me a cuppa coffee!

If you leave a comment, I’ll even have PROOF you were here during my short time as a struggling producer/director/editor/musical scor-er/actor… and I can print out all the comments, and then… I can call you up and we could all go to the film festival together… and all my commenters would be my ENTOURAGE… and I would give you cans of glitter to spray in my general direction when the papparazzi are going WILD over the hot new “name” in film… and you could carry my sparkling water… and I would need someone to carry a fan — because I like the way I look when wind blows my hair… I think that would make me look really pretty for the papparazzi pics… And you could run to Starbucks for me because I’ve noticed actors often carry a Starbucks cup… and I’ll get a puppy to carry in my purse… and we could go to all the parties and dance… Oooh, I am getting EXCITED - we are going to have so much fun when I get famous!!!

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 20, 2008

in 365, Delusions of Grandeur, Eats, General, Humiliation, Ridiculous, Vlogging and Wasting Time

. 12 Comments

Now I feel better.

I wish I could say I feel better today than yesterday because I am perfectly content with my person/body. I wish it was because I am a deeply deep person who waxes “empathetic” and works tirelessly to save endangered seahorses and suchnesses. BUT. I am shallow — like a kiddie pool. I am also vein vain and need to be adored. It’s an insatiable need, really… like something that cannot be satiated. I know - I also am gifted when it comes to analogies.

Yesterday afternoon, my hunger to be adored… no, WORSHIPPED… was satisfied by a younger man… We have known each other for the better part of 3 years, but I had no idea…

His eyes… the purest shade of blue.

His hair… golden with hints of warm sand.

My heart… melted to the core…

The magnificently curled ends of my glowing locks (you call yours “hair”), fell against his face as I unbuckled his car seat. I could feel his fingers twirl the strands of my golden goddessness. Poor boy, he was overcome with my beauty, my presence, my my-ness, and he gushed,

You are cuuuuuuuuute.

I turned my head… I could not ignore such words of genius… OF TRUTH… No. He deserved my full attention. With My voice of an angel I asked, “What did you just say?” He continued twirling my hair… for he knew in his hands he held the 8th wonder of the world… and with his gorgeous 3-year-old blue eyes he said,

Yoooooouuu are cuuuuuuuuuuute.

I just about melted all over that parking lot.

*****

That story reminds me of another one. Children are good sources for stories. I spent some time substitute teaching while I was finishing my 5th year degree in college. If my memory serves me correct, I was subbing for either a 1st or 2nd grade class. It was the end of recess and the classes were lining up.

This was a 1/2 day gig, so the kids were expecting their teacher to meet them — but they got me. As the flurry of children were lining up I was bombarded with the same question, “Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher?”

Yes… yes… yes… mm-hmm… yesyesyes!

The children settled into their line. I reminded them “Keep your voices down and stay in a straight line…” The entire time the boy at the front of the line kept his gaze fixed on me. I felt it. Like a laser. I met his gaze and smiled… Hey, I’m a giver. I’m all about the children. His sweet little face exploded into a huge smile and he and nearly burst at the seams when he exclaimed at the top of his voice and on the tip of his toes,

You’re PRETTY!!! My DAD would sure like YOU!

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 17, 2008

in 365, Beauty - ha!, Delusions of Grandeur, Funny Funnerson, General and Kerry Jen-Jen

. 8 Comments

Karen Carpenter’s vocal twin.

I am pretty sure that would be me.

You remember Karen… with her buttery voice all smooth like a clean shave sans razor burn… Even if you are not a wild fan of The Carpenters (I might fall into that category), it is absolutely inarguable - the woman’s voice is that of an angel. I will delete any comment otherwise. So, I guess what I am really trying to say might be,

I also have the voice of an angel, just like my vocal twin. You criticize her, you criticize me, and I only accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express, Paypal and COMPLIMENTS.

Got it?

So, as I took a shower… and sang “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” in *ahem* buttery tonal perfection… I TOTALLY hit a note that sounded like Karen Carpenter. Totally. I was singin’ away and I was all, “Whut the whut?” I actually looked around for the ghost of Karen Carpenter. Then I thot, like, “THAT’S NO GHOST! THAT’S THE VOICE OF A FRIGGIN’ ANGEL!” I looked around the corner to find neither angel nor ghost… and that was when I realized -

I am the vocal twin of Karen Carpenter!

I! Know! Brains, beauty, crafty skillz, dancin’ skillz, vlogging skillz, and now… singing a note just like Karen Carpenter! If “Awesome” were matter and not an adjective/verb I would totally be oozing all kinds of awesome right now. If “Awesome” were matter, I believe it would look a lot like glitter, smell a lot like chocolate. ButIdigress…

So. Back to Me Karen and Me. We are also big fans of graphic tees.

It’s uncanny, I know…

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 13, 2008

in 365, Delusions of Grandeur, General, Ridiculous and Wasting Time

. 11 Comments

What do I DO all day?

I know you probably find yourself wondering, “What does Kerry DO all day?” I am pretty sure you have nothing better to do than to wonder what I am up to. Because I am in the business *snicker* of serving My Public, I will share with you a few snapshots of my day(s)… literally. These were all taken on my phone as I was out and about… here and there… Oh the excitement.

*****

Though I am biologically a 36 year old female (a spectacular one at that), I am intellectually a 16 year-old boy… I can’t help but snicker every time I see this:

“Get rid of your ‘junk’”…. heh… heh, heh, heh… Of course, I’ve told you about my adolescent humor before…

*****

My brother-in-law found a stuffing recipe he wanted to make for Thanksgiving. The recipe called for boiled, peeled chestnuts. It was a Martha Stewart recipe. I used Twitter to document the peeling of the cursed boiled chestnuts:

8:28 p.m. Thanksgiving Eve: Attention fellow domestic godesses: Marta Stewart has a flippin’ STAFF to peel her pounds & pounds of precious chestnuts! *fingers cramping*
8:40 p.m.: I mean, MartHa Stewart. This is absolutely ridiculous.
8:51 p.m.: And now my thumbs are not only nail-less, but also paralyzed.

I sacrificed the sacred use of my opposable thumbs for this measly pile of chestnut shells:

BTW, the stuffing was very yummy… except for the chestnuts.

*****

I got stuck in the car wash the day before Thanksgiving. I got a little worried, so I turned to Twitter and my iPhone camera to send out an SOS:

I may be trapped in the car wash. I have enough supplies to last me until dinner.

May have to ration my water, tho…

A big “thank you” to my friend Wendy for the pumpkin muffins… I could have DIED!

*****

Oh the excitement. It’s almost paralyzing, isn’t it…

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 5, 2008

in Delusions of Grandeur, Eats, General and Social Media

. 8 Comments

The Confessional: I love coffee

I should actually be posting “The Bloscars Part 3″, but I do not have all my links and accolades together, so… tomorrow… tomorrow… Unless I don’t get my act together tonight. Which is entirely possible, but let’s not gossip about my shortcomings. M’kay? It’s not nice to gossip.

*****

I pretty much love coffee. I started drinking it to fit in several years ago. I live near Seattle. Not drinking coffee definitely put me in a socially awkward position. I am not a huge fan of tea, and ordering hot chocolate felt like ordering a Sprite at a night club. My dad wisely advised against my effort when he said,

Kerry. Don’t TRY to like coffee. You have enough addictions as it is.

He is a wise man. I should have listed to him. I should have also listened to him when he pretty much grounded me from “going around with” my first boyfriend too… I so could have done without that. Jen, shutup.

I have actually shared my love and adoration for coffee before — in this post. However, I am on the eve of perhaps having to go without this “heaven on my lips” for two weeks starting tomorrow. Why? Probably because I am certifiably crazy. Why the H E doublehockeysticks do I think starting a “cleanse” might be a good thing to do in DECEMBER. Granted, in all reality, the 2 weeks will probably last all of 1.5 days - at which point you will find me — in my dark pantry tearing into the frozen bag of chocolate chips I duct taped shut — to soothe my tattered nerve (yes, I have but ONE) after something a child said or did or said and did.

Alas, a haiku, for all the talented I am at haiku-ing. *shaking head*

Love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love coffee.

Why am I not published? Seriously.

Again, Vogue? Why am I not published? Seriously. I actually feel a little bit sorry for the whole world. My gosh, they are missing out on some serious sickness talent.

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published

on December 2, 2008

in 365, Delusions of Grandeur, General, The Confessional and The Love

. 15 Comments

I am all about the rules, except for when the rules don’t work for me.

Because it is all about Me. Wait. Or is it all about You voting for Me? ——————–>>>>>

Now onto the meme (pronounced like the -eme in “theme”, not like saying “me” twice). Nancy over at Marie Millard tagged me. I like memes — mostly because that 1 word has my favorite word in it twice! I had the lovely opportunity to meet Nancy at BlogHer ‘08 last July. She was one of the first gals I met, and we connected instantly. Fast friends. Gotta love it. Our last night in San Francisco — Nancy, Jen and I headed to the Starlight Room - a swanky club on the 21st floor the Sir Francis Drake Hotel. It was loud and packed, and the view was stunning… *reminiscent sigh*

The meme. I am supposed to go to my 6th picture folder and find the 6th picture and pray I remember the details and I am not using commas and tag 6 others…

Hmm. I have been to almost every 6th of 6th possible category in iPhoto and am just not finding one that is sharable. So, I’m gonna break the “rules”. I counted backwards and just chose my 6th-to-last photo. And the winner is…

That’s mah girl, Lisa on the left. Ya know, my V.P. in our Dance Party. We were doing a bit of campaigning. The cutie in the middle is Shelly. I’ve known her from the kids’ bus stop for a long time… I never knew she had such mad skillz on the dance floor. Bravo, Shelly… BRA. VO! And then there’s me, sportin’ my usual red nose. Rudolph may need to fight for his job this Christmas. Money’s tight, and I’m not above leading Santa’s sleigh for a little extra cash… I just gotta figure out that whole “flying” thing.

Oh golly. Want another pic? Of course you do. It’s not the rules, but I’m feelin’ all rebelly. Besides, I HAVE to share this one with you. Apparently my righteous grooves made an impact on the band, ‘cuz I found this polaroid from the Afros at my table after I came back from powdering my Rudolph nose… I am so used to this kind of attention. It is rather commonplace, really… for me.

OK. I give. One more. But only because you asked…

“You. Complete. Me.” I know…

At this point I should be tagging 6 people. However, with all the awardage and linkage happening, Miss Kerry is going to need to pass. But perhaps I can get 6 volunteers? Just leave a comment and I promise to come by and swoon…

**********

Keep up on the ridiculous, the insightful, the always digressive…

Published