Archive for the 'General' CategoryPage 2 of 89

A scissor attack, Santa letters and a coffee sleeve.

So. Today. I was hummin’ along, clip, clip, clippin’ down the big parts offa the little branch things from a bundle of non-organic *shame* grapes, and out of NO. FLIPPIN’. WHERE. the scissors ATTACKED my poor, cute, innocent little finger tip. Now, I am left typing without my left ring finger! You have no idea how devoted I am…  I am down A WHOLE FINGER and yet I post. For you. Just look at the carnage!

The scissors in question did not make bail… and will probably be banished to 4 rounds in an extra hot dishwasher - for punishment as well as disinfectation. That’s my new word — disinfectation. I know. I’ll submit it to Webster’s after the New Year.

*****

The kids wrote Santa notes to place next to the cookie plate tonight:

Note: Cole was born in 1999. The boy knows how to work an angle.

But will she love her ONE present from Santa?

*****

I mentioned in an earlier post that I recently attended a cookie exchange. I just have to share what Nikki made… She MADE… SEWED… *turning green with skillz envy* the most desperately adorable coffee sleeves EVER! Eh-Vah! She package up her little cookies, popped them in a paper coffee cup, slipped on the homemade sleeve and tied the cuteness up with clear cellophane and fun ribbon. Here’s that sleeve:

I. Know. I am so lucky to be friends with such a gifted woman. 

*****

Lastly, don’t forget to follow Santa on Norad tonight! Peace, love and all the stuff that peace and love are made of… to you and your families… Merry Christmas :)

*****

Dudes. This is my 998th post! Holy-Oh-My-Heck!!!

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Published
by
jenny
on December 24, 2008
in 365, Friends, General, Joel, Olivia, Skillz and Spawn
. 6 Comments

Make Me Laugh Monday - I love Jesus but I drink a little.

I am posting this a little late. I missed my 12 a.m. posting cuzza I got a belly ache & the shivvvvvers last night and collapsed into bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Makes me wonder if all that smoked salmon dip and bottle of wine didn’t agree with me so much… It has me wondering if I am a good decision-maker afterall…

Aaaaanywho. And THEN, this morning, I dove into iChat with my friend Casey and then our kids iChatted until the laptop battery died… Thank you for your patience. I suggest you take a seat… or bookmark this for when you have 5 or so minutes to giggle with Ellen DeGeneres as she chats with Glady’s… It. Is. Adorable. At one point she says, “I love Jesus but I drink a little.” I think it would be awesome to spend Christmas with Gladys… and wine… at her house… Thank you Aunt Jame for alerting me to this clip!

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Ready to join in on the MMLM madness? Just enter your name and link to your SPECIFIC FUNNY post. If there is some “questionable” content in a video or audio clip - kindly let us know in your post so those of us with little ones underfoot can plug in our earphone or wait for bedtime :) Looking forward to getting my laugh-on!

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Published
by
jenny
on December 22, 2008
in 365, General and Make Me Laugh Monday
. 13 Comments

Awesome of All Awesomeness.

There is no better title, for I found (via Twitter, but cannot remember who tweeted it!)  The Periodic Table of Awesomements. I LOVE Awesome. It is not only my favorite word, but also my favorite STATE OF BEING! I implore you - go check out the full Periodic Table of Awesomements (I included a screen shot below as a teaser… if you click on it - you will be transported to the full table of Awesomements…). It lists such things as: Bacon! Chuck Norris! Guitar Solos! Coffee! Chocolate! Mullets! Hoodies! Eagles! Cheetas! Light Sabers! The only 2 things I noticed missing were: Kerry! & Glitter! I’ll see what I can do about that…

Are you Awesome? You most certainly are… you came HERE didn’t you? And, just as a reminder… I never (details) claimed to be perfect — just Awesome… 

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Published
by
jenny
on December 21, 2008
in 365, Awesome, Bloggy Bloggy and General
. 8 Comments

My Newest Vlog - Baking Cookies for a Cookie Exchange

I don’t know why I do this. I ac’ a fool and capture it on video. Then I post it on the whole world of wide internets.It’s on the long side (6 minutes and 44 seconds), and I hate monopolizing so much of your time.

Here, *hands you a virtual eggnog latte that she made, and sprinkled with a dash of nutmeg*. You know what, friends, when I make it into the Sundance Film Festival and receive all kinds of critical acclaim *she also has issues with reality and perception*, you can say,

Hey! I KNOW her! We’re BFF’s! She made me a cuppa coffee!

If you leave a comment, I’ll even have PROOF you were here during my short time as a struggling producer/director/editor/musical scor-er/actor… and I can print out all the comments, and then… I can call you up and we could all go to the film festival together… and all my commenters would be my ENTOURAGE… and I would give you cans of glitter to spray in my general direction when the papparazzi are going WILD over the hot new “name” in film… and you could carry my sparkling water… and I would need someone to carry a fan — because I like the way I look when wind blows my hair… I think that would make me look really pretty for the papparazzi pics… And you could run to Starbucks for me because I’ve noticed actors often carry a Starbucks cup… and I’ll get a puppy to carry in my purse… and we could go to all the parties and dance… Oooh, I am getting EXCITED - we are going to have so much fun when I get famous!!!

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Published
by
jenny
on December 20, 2008
in 365, Delusions of Grandeur, Eats, General, Humiliation, Ridiculous, Vlogging and Wasting Time
. 12 Comments

Kid notes.

The things that drive me the most crazy about my son, are also the things that endear my heart to him everyday. He is intense and passionate, which sound good, unless things don’t work out the way he’d hoped. He is a planner. He is an “attention to detail” kind-of guy. He has been known to lay out his school clothes the night before, on his own. The other night he chose to do his homework during a family movie time. We had had a crazy number of days, and I was gonna tell his teacher that we just needed to deflate and he would finish his homework the next night. Cole couldn’t handle it. After a few minutes, he grabbed his bag and worked on his homework. For him, there is an order, and he functions best when that order stays intact.

2 nights ago I told him to leave his sign-off sheet on the counter for me to sign later (my hands were covered in cookie dough). Later that evening I found his school bag open, his folder open on top — the sign-off sheet and a pen ready, and this note:

I love my boy.

*****

In other news, apparently I rock! Cole told me so…

Of course, my son was disgusted. He said, “EEEEEWWWWW! Number 1 is PEE!!!”

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Published
by
jenny
on December 18, 2008
in 365, Family, General, Joel and Olivia
. 11 Comments

Now I feel better.

I wish I could say I feel better today than yesterday because I am perfectly content with my person/body. I wish it was because I am a deeply deep person who waxes “empathetic” and works tirelessly to save endangered seahorses and suchnesses. BUT.  I am shallow — like a kiddie pool. I am also vein vain and need to be adored. It’s an insatiable need, really… like something that cannot be satiated. I know - I also am gifted when it comes to analogies.

Yesterday afternoon, my hunger to be adored… no, WORSHIPPED… was satisfied by a younger man… We have known each other for the better part of 3 years, but I had no idea…

His eyes… the purest shade of blue.

His hair… golden with hints of warm sand.

My heart… melted to the core…

The magnificently curled ends of my glowing locks (you call yours “hair”), fell against his face as I unbuckled his car seat. I could feel his fingers twirl the strands of my golden goddessness. Poor boy, he was overcome with my beauty, my presence, my my-ness, and he gushed,

You are cuuuuuuuuute.

I turned my head… I could not ignore such words of genius… OF TRUTH… No. He deserved my full attention. With My voice of an angel I asked, “What did you just say?” He continued twirling my hair… for he knew in his hands he held the 8th wonder of the world… and with his gorgeous 3-year-old blue eyes he said,

Yoooooouuu are cuuuuuuuuuuute.

I just about melted all over that parking lot.

*****

That story reminds me of another one. Children are good sources for stories. I spent some time substitute teaching while I was finishing my 5th year degree in college. If my memory serves me correct, I was subbing for either a 1st or 2nd grade class. It was the end of recess and the classes were lining up.

This was a 1/2 day gig, so the kids were expecting their teacher to meet them — but they got me. As the flurry of children were lining up I was bombarded with the same question, “Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher? Areyouourteacher?”

Yes… yes… yes… mm-hmm… yesyesyes!

The children settled into their line. I reminded them “Keep your voices down and stay in a straight line…” The entire time the boy at the front of the line kept his gaze fixed on me. I felt it. Like a laser. I met his gaze and smiled… Hey, I’m a giver. I’m all about the children. His sweet little face exploded into a huge smile and he and nearly burst at the seams when he exclaimed at the top of his voice and on the tip of his toes,

You’re PRETTY!!! My DAD would sure like YOU!

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Published
by
jenny
on December 17, 2008
in 365, Beauty - ha!, Delusions of Grandeur, Funny Funnerson, General and Kerry Jen-Jen
. 8 Comments

Miss Grumpy Pants

I’m feeling a wee-bit like a cranky kermudgeon (andIdon’tcareifIspelledthatwrong). It’s just the little things that are making me feel like I am being continuously ever-so-lightly flicked on the forehead continuously… I have a list. Bitter-miserable souls are good list-makers. At least there is some good in here somewhere.

  • The air-brushed fakey perfection of women in the media. As hard as I work to be less fat than I have ever been since hormones took over in the early 80’s… I will never… … … It really sucks being a real woman with a real body (like, never a size 0 - EVER!) in this age of Photoshopped fakeness. We have no appreciation for real beauty because of all the fake- crap we are bombarded with. Makes me want to puke, but not in an eating-disorder sort-of way. See? I am in a bad mood. 
  • I hate pimples. *holds back profanity*
  • Claims like the following just tick me the heck off. They communicate a false sense of hope for the most hopeless of people — parents of sleepless children:
  • When my computer freezes. Or is slow. I have things to do and have no time to wait for something like a COMPUTER to take time to think. Sheesh.
  • Inanimate objects. I am certain that while I sleep at night all inanimate objects meet to decide how they will orchestrate my emotional undoing. Fragile items jump away as I carry them, drawers “fall” and contents spill, said drawers suddenly become too “fat” for the opening they just fell from, necklaces tangle, packages meant for a 3-year-old to open — behave like Fort Knox, items intended to stay upright tumble… and don’t even get me started on how my wayward floss and braces laugh and taunt me as I make great efforts to be a good patient for my orthodontist… 
  • Martha Stewart recipes. This is a love-hate thing. She. Makes. Me. Crazy. But for some reason, I can’t quit Martha. {clutches chest}
  • People who write in all caps. All. Caps. WHAT? Is that voice immodulation carried over into print?


    • Voice Immodulation Syndrome from Tony Weber on Vimeo. 

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Published
by
jenny
on December 16, 2008
in 365, Fa' Real?, For Cryin' Out Loud!, General and Not So Much
. 7 Comments

Make Me Laugh Monday - Santa & preschool parties

“I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause…” EWWW! Not so much! I don’t care WHO is under that beard and bright-red suit…. No. Just… NO. My kids are creeped-out by the thought of it too. What can I say, I raise smart kids. 

Lucy’s preschool Christmas party was yesterday. Every year (all my kids have gone to this preschool) Santa comes to deliver little gifts to the children. Usually Santa is our teacher’s husband, but this year it was a student’s grandfather. This detail is important for later.

Each year, Mrs. Cindy has the children prepare songs to perform for the parents. It truly is delightful. I remember the first year with my son when “J’s” jingle bells sailed across the preschool for all the jingle-bell passion and heart he put into his choreography. This year… My sweet Cole… At first I thought it was adorable, all her chicken-bock-bock-bocking and twirling and passion, and singing to her classmates instead of to the parents. “Oh, she’s so social!” I thought.

THEN as she continued, I began to freak out a bit. I wondered if she was exhibiting signs of certain health issues. This is not the funny part. I was actually a bit freaked. People, my daughter was acting WEIRD. I wish I could show video, but for her online protection and protection of the other kiddos, I regret I cannot :( It is pee-your-pants funny as well as A-to-the-dorable.

Back to the party — At one point, I overheard a friend say, “She’s gone. She’s gone…” I took it as. “She (a preschooler) escaped the property, we must form a search party!”. No. Apparently sweet little “E” was in her car with a tummy ache - because she was afraid of SANTA!

After the performance, the children and parents waited for Santa’s arrival. Santa hadn’t even made it through the door when “B’s” face dropped. It was like she had seen a ghost. She began to cry and ran to her mother saying, “I don’t like Santa!!!”.

I am happy to report, Santa’s feelings were not hurt in all of this — and as far as I know “B” and “E” are doing just fine. I am thinking Santa is doing just fine to, because the last I heard about him was when the preschool teacher’s husband said,

I am going to go help Santa get undressed.

*insert my junior-high sex-ed class giggle here*

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Please add to our reasons to laugh this Monday! Add your name and the link to your Make Me Laugh Monday post into the Mr. Linky provided (read: your FUNNY post, not any old post you want to simply promote). Be sure to link back here in your post, so participants can get the most laughter into their Monday by meeting all the participants. Sure, it might just be 2 folks, but who knows when we’ll hit… a MILLION!!! Right? right? *crickets chriping*

Anyway — It’s Monday! Let’s start this week off right… laughing! 

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Published
by
jenny
on December 15, 2008
in 365, General, Lucy and Make Me Laugh Monday
. 8 Comments

All I want for Christmas

My friend D… recently wrote a post titled “Peace”.  *waiting for you to read her post* … In it she gives 2 Christmas lists from 2 different boys in one of the classes she works with.

One boy wrote:

  1. macbook
  2. ipod
  3. macbook air
  4. at&t blackberry
  5. iphone

Another boy wrote:

  1. bike
  2. shoes
  3. a dog named Cocoa
  4. my mom to come see us on Christmas
  5. a better life

This year is a hard one for many people. Honestly, in the history of “bad years”, I am thankful it is not the worst (yet?) - in my lifetime nor in recent history for that matter. But what D…’s post reminds me of the most is the broken hearted. While our nation struggles with a growing financial crisis, people are still struggling with broken hearts and broken relationships. Money or no money… there has always been loneliness, sorrow, mourning, emotional & physical pain… It is sometimes harder to see the effects of the broken-hearted than the effects of poverty.

If we look closely, the desires of the boy in that second list - really, 3 out of 5 - has to do with relationship. Him wanting a dog is even more significant in the light of #4… This makes my heart ache. I’m pretty sure it would make my heart ache even if I wasn’t a mom. And you know what? If #4 was in place, I am certain “a better life” would not have ever crossed his mind. 

I know it would be easy to arrange to get a bike for this boy (my son’s age, by the way). If all the commenters on my last few posts donated a teensy $5 each, we could get that boy a bike - even several pairs of shoes. However, we all know that’s not the issue here. We all know that is not what we want for him the most, and we all know that is not truly his #1 hope. His joy needs to be fulfilled… his heart needs to be un-broken.

As we pop coins in the Salvation Army pot, maybe donate a turkey and canned goods to our local food banks… let’s not forget the broken-hearted. They are harder to see, but I am pretty sure if we slow down a bit and taken a moment to really listen… really watch our community - we’d all be pretty surprised.

I have no solutions. Perhaps it will be our little efforts collectively. Maybe a smile instead of an impatient grimace… A few extra minutes of genuine interest while the old man who talks too much in line — talks too much in line (because he is lonely)… Maybe it is, in fact, a pair of shoes for a child… Hold back judgement… Give grace… I am amazed at how one sour word or look can change MY day… Imagine the impact of even a brief moment of sincere goodness on a broken-heart — child or adult. It all trickles down.

Thank you, D… for sharing and giving me pause - especially in a season when I feel there is no time to do such things.

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Published
by
jenny
on December 14, 2008
in 365, General, Mental Pause and Mutha' Hood
. 17 Comments

Karen Carpenter’s vocal twin.

I am pretty sure that would be me.

You remember Karen… with her buttery voice all smooth like a clean shave sans razor burn… Even if you are not a wild fan of The Carpenters (I might fall into that category), it is absolutely inarguable - the woman’s voice is that of an angel. I will delete any comment otherwise. So, I guess what I am really trying to say might be,

I also have the voice of an angel, just like my vocal twin. You criticize her, you criticize me, and I only accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express, Paypal and COMPLIMENTS.

Got it?

So, as I took a shower… and sang “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” in *ahem* buttery tonal perfection… I TOTALLY hit a note that sounded like Karen Carpenter. Totally. I was singin’ away and I was all, “Whut the whut?” I actually looked around for the ghost of Karen Carpenter. Then I thot, like, “THAT’S NO GHOST! THAT’S THE VOICE OF A FRIGGIN’ ANGEL!” I looked around the corner to find neither angel nor ghost… and that was when I realized - 

I am the vocal twin of Karen Carpenter!

I! Know! Brains, beauty, crafty skillz, dancin’ skillz, vlogging skillz, and now… singing a note just like Karen Carpenter! If “Awesome” were matter and not an adjective/verb I would totally be oozing all kinds of awesome right now. If “Awesome” were matter, I believe it would look a lot like glitter, smell a lot like chocolate. ButIdigress…

So. Back to Me Karen and Me. We are also big fans of graphic tees.

  

It’s uncanny, I know…

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Published
by
jenny
on December 13, 2008
in 365, Delusions of Grandeur, General, Ridiculous and Wasting Time
. 11 Comments